Three and a half years after Rihanna was hospitalized due to ex-boyfriend Chris Brown physically assaulting her, the 24-year-old-singer decided to discuss the status of her relationship with Brown. During a special interview with Oprah Winfrey on Sunday’s episode of Oprah’s Next Chapter, Rihanna broke down in tears as she tried to explain that she has moved on to forgive Brown, and that she still loves him.

We’ve been working on our friendship again,” Rihanna told Oprah. “Now, we’re very, very close friends. We built a trust again. We love each other and we probably always will, and that’s not anything that we’re going to try to change.”

Despite rumors circulating that the couple had reunited, Rihanna clarified that they are not seeing each other again. “He’s in a relationship of his own,” she said. “I’m single, but we have maintained a very close friendship ever since the restraining order’s been dropped. Just worked on it little by little, and it has not been easy.”

Still, her heart still pounds whenever she sees Brown. “It’s awkward because I still love him,” she admitted. “My stomach drops, and I have to maintain this poker face and not let it get to the outer part of me. I have to maintain that and suppress it. interpret it and understand it, and understand that that’s not going to go away. When you don’t understand those feelings, you can make a lot of mistakes.”

I think he was the love of my life,” Rihanna said. “He was my first love and I see that he loved me the same way. I truly love him The main thing for me is he’s at peace. I’m not at peace if he’s not happy or he’s still lonely. I care. It actually matters that he finds that peace.”

She added: “I have to forgive him, because I cared about him still… The minute I let go of that, I started living again.”

Watch Rihanna’s interview with Oprah below.

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